So, I’m the Single Girl in our group of friends.
Nine of us, four couples and me. Now usually this does not bother me and we are a very close group of friends, more like a family. Sometimes we all hang out together, sometimes just a few of us, sometimes just the girls, etc. I love these friends and they are amazing.
In the beginning, there were seven of us. Two couples, two singles and me. Then I brought two of the couples together (including hooking up one of my best male friends and best female friends.) That is what I do, I network, I match, I make things happen. Both couples are very happy and I am very happy for them.
But, I have been realizing, being the Ninth really is odd.
My friends always include me but our mentalities are different. When we go out, it’s nice dinners and rarely drinks after. I often sit at the head of the table, as the couples all seem to have a way of sitting next to one another. They like to stay in bed late, presumably enjoying a round of morning sex and can never make it to brunch before 1pm. They do not want to stay out late, get crazy and often would rather be spending time with their significant other.
Now, I have to say, I understand it and if I were them, I would be the same way.
And most of the time this does not bother me, except it is a holiday weekend, all the couples are out of town (on separate adventures) and I went to brunch alone today, which is fine, but something about this holiday screams fun, camping, BBQs, up-north Michigan adventures. I did not think ahead, make plans and, really, I am finding myself not really wanting to hang out with the few “B-Squad” friends I do have here.
This has been a time for me to reflect, clean my apartment, organize, blog and catch up, which also has been nice and was needed but the truth is, I am finding myself a bit lonely. I think this is the first time I have let myself admit that, being the tough girl that I am. The thing is, there is a big difference between lonely and desperate and I refuse to hang out with someone I do not care for, or even, just because I am bored or need to feel like someone is there.
Oh, and while laughable, the last 10 or so Facebook photos that are tagged, are from a recent red carpet part we all attended. Every picture of me, I am posed with one of the couples and the new joke is that I am the token 3rd in awkward threesomes.
I took a hiatus. I needed it, things happened that I cannot even write about right now, because they will bring up emotion and I am not ready to deal with that. I hinted at it, Gavin is his name, and one day I will write about it.
So, I have been celibate since Austin. I think this is the longest I have ever gone without sex, and I have been having sex for 15 years now. It has been sort of nice, in truth. I have been concentrating on other interests and hobbies, not really worried about men or boys and well, just doing other things.
But it is almost Spring time and it is time for me to get back into my groove.
I have been on a few shitty dates, just 30+ year old men with too much baggage. I was on a date a few Friday’s ago and literally the guy told me that if his ex called him today, he’d go back to her. I was home that night at 10pm.
But something funny happened that night. A Gtalk message popped up from an old friend Peter. He was home for the night, kind of bored and asked if I wanted to go out for a late night drink or pizza. I said I wanted to stay in, but we ended up talking about my shitty date. We then went off Gtalk and moved the conversation to phone.
He told me that he’s had a little thing for me for awhile, and he loves my sexual energy. I said we could never date, and he said he knew that, too. Then I said the magic words… “But I always kind of thought we could fuck and we’d be OK…”
So, yeah, I am starting a “Friends with Benefits” relationship. Will it work? Who knows, do they ever really? But in the meantime, I think it will be good for me. If it gets messy, I will deal with that as it comes.
He’s in Europe for work until next Thursday. I get a Brazilian on Friday. We’ll see what happens next weekend.
So, in the past 5 weeks a few things have changed. I have lost 10 pounds, I have been working hard with some potential clients doing events and I picked up yoga again. I kind of took a hiatus from boys for a bit. I wanted to do my own thing, and kind of was hurt from the whole Gavin mess.
Anyway, this guy Austin has been DMing me through Twitter over the past few weeks. I met him in March at a charity event but had not really interacted much with him since then. I remember he was cute and he seemed nice and I am not really sure why we didn’t chat after that.
In any event, he showed up to the event I was helping with last night. Austin is black, kind of a bigger guy (but definitely not fat) with short twisty dreadlocks. He is good looking and he speaks with kind of a deep voice that ends up coming out slow, like a drawl, but with a midwestern accent. He is a local boy, born and raised here and has never lived anywhere else.
Anyway, after the event he hung out for a bit, helped me clean up even. Then we went a few blocks down with two of my friends for some late night dinner and a bottle of champagne to celebrate the event. After dinner we went to another bar, ordered another bottle of champagne, some shots and more. It got pretty hazy but I remember Austin asking if he could crash at my house that night – oh yeah, he lives in Schaumburg (a suburb about 25 miles away, which is about an hour drive.)
So, it’s about 2:30am and Austin comes home with me, I am drunk and exhausted. He was kind of rubbing my arm or lightly touching me all week and we even walked arm in arm on the way to my place. So, I tell him I am going to do bathroom stuff like wash my face and what not. While I am doing that, he is chilling on the couch. I come out of the bathroom, he goes in and I go into my bedroom. I put on a nightgown, leave my panties on and get under the blankets.
He comes out of the bathroom and asks where he was going to sleep, I told him my bed. He tried to get into bed with his clothes on and I asked him what he was doing and not to get into bed with jeans. He takes off his clothes, gets into bed and he pulled me close to him.
I was laying on my right side and he was spooning me from behind. I turned over, put my right hand on his face and tilted my head up to kiss him. It was nice, he was a decent kisser but he had facial hair which kind of felt weird against my chin. We made out for a bit, but it was obvious that I had drank a bit too much, as my head started spinning. I told him I needed to go to sleep and I did just that.
We woke up around 8:00am. I woke up to him rubbing my arm. I got up, brushed my teeth and grabbed us a glass of water. He followed suit and used my mouthwash. Good, I hate morning breath. We decided to get back into bed and try to sleep a little bit longer. Well, he started rubbing my arm, kissing the back of my neck. I rolled over and he pulled me on top of him. We started making out, he lifted my nightgown over my head and tossed it to the floor. He rolled me onto my back, got on top of me and started kissing me on my neck. He started by my right ear, his lips brushed against my neck… once, then twice. I stopped counting and closed my eyes. He made it all the way to my left ear before placing his lips on mine.
He continued kissing, my collarbone, then down the center of my chest all the way to my belly button. I could feel the tingling between my legs and I was excited to see where this was going. He kept kissing my chest, just little kisses. I was rubbing the back of his head, letting my fingertips dance on his shoulders. He moved back up and gently flicked my left nipple with his tongue, closing his mouth and gently sucking. At the same time he was pinching my right nipple.
He again started to go lower and lower until finally giving me little kisses on the inner part of my left thigh. He told me to lay back and relax.
I did just what he asked. I closed my eyes, laid my head back and just let go. It had been awhile, I have had a rough few months and I was ready to be spoiled.
He was very slow, sensual. He took his time, placing little warm kisses on my inner thighs, using his hands to open my legs a bit further. I could feel the warmth of his breath near my clit, and then a quick flick of the tongue.
It was different that most guys I have been with. Just like his slow drawl when speaking, his tongue was slow, almost too slow. It was like he was passionately making out with my clit, which is fine for foreplay but was not enough pressure to get me off. But you know what, it still felt good, almost relaxing and definitely was relieving my stress. I can almost equate it to a good massage.
I let him lick for awhile, he got a little adventurous and even licked the skin between my under my opening. I was kind of hoping he’d tongue my ass, but I didn’t ask for it and he didn’t do it. Still, I was incredibly turned on. I started wondering how big he was, and what he’d feel like inside of me.
I asked him if he wanted to be inside of me, and his response was that he’d do whatever I wanted. I knew I was not going to get off with him licking me and I really did want to feel him inside of me, especially when a vibrator was on my clit.
I grabbed a condom from the drawer, pressed it into his hand and told him to put this on when he was ready. I noticed he wasn’t all the way hard, so I put my hand between my thighs, grabbed my juices and then proceeded to rub his cock until it was hard. That must have turned him on, because he was hard within a few seconds.
He put the condom on, pulled me on top of him. I grabbed the base of his cock and guided it into me – very slowly. So, as I thought, he had a pretty big cock. It took a few seconds before he could get all the way in. Once he was all the way in, and I was on top of him, I had to hold on a second and let my body get used to him. I was straddling him, totally filled with him and I leaned down to kiss him for a second. Then, while I was kissing him I started to move myself up and down.
I liked controlling the pace, especially given his size, but Austin is the type that wants to be in charge, I think. He let me have my fun for a few minutes but then he said it was time for him to bang me. He flipped me over and I was on my back, he took my legs, wrapped them behind his back, and well, banged me.
Here is the weird part, he didn’t feel all the way hard. It wasn’t as good as when I was on top. It’s almost like, his dick was so big that he doesn’t have enough blood to flow to it, or something. I mean, I know that is not what happens, but it just was not mega hard.
I was getting kind of weirded out and well, the sex was less than stellar, so I asked him to flip me over, and fuck me doggy style while I put my vibrator on my clit. He obliged, I mean, who wouldn’t, right? It did not take him too long and he came before I did. He pulled out, but then he told me to keep laying on my belly, with my vibrator on my clit.
Then he did something that I did not expect at all. He put his finger inside of my pussy, pulled it out, spit on his hand and started rubbing my asshole. Then, he pushed his finger in, just a bit. He started fingering my asshole and that was it, I came pretty quickly.
We laid in bed for a bit, my milky white skin against his dark chocolate. I told him I had to get going, as I had work to do. Then he said, do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night. So, yeah, it was then I realized that we may have different expectations. We’ll see where this goes, but I am pretty sure I will not be dating Austin.
Over the last few days, my emotional strength has been tested.
For those who have followed me for awhile, you may remember that my cousin was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor late last year. Unfortunately, he lost his battle and passed away yesterday. Even though we have known this was an inevitable outcome, no one wanted to believe it. As you might imagine, it is a very difficult time for my family right now. In fact, I am not even ready to talk about it yet.
Because of that happening, I feel selfish being upset about the second thing testing my strength. Also, I feel like I cannot talk to my family (aka, my support group) about it because they will think I am being inconsiderate for having my own issues. In reality, that is probably not true, but I really feel like it is inappropriate. So, I turn to my blog audience to listen.
Patrick had blocked me on Facebook (and every other site ever possible) about 5 minutes after we broke up. He said it was for the best and it was the only way we could get distance, in order to gain a clear head. Maybe it was for the best, but in truth I am not really the psycho type. He knew that. I did not even call him after we parted, let alone would I post things on Facebook, etc. But maybe he was right, who knows?
It turns out, he met someone about 2-3 weeks after we broke up. I do not keep tabs on him but I know he cannot be alone, plus we have mutual friends who feel the need to tell me information on him, so I know they are still together. I seriously wonder how he was single for a whole 21 days at most before jumping into a new relationship. Hell, I probably still had stuff at “our” place, my hairs on the floor, bobby pins still in the bathroom. I wonder if he ever called her my name out of habit?
Anyway, when I logged into Facebook yesterday (which I do not do very often) I noticed a status update from Patrick. What? I froze. I immediately pressed Hide, as I did not even want to go to his page to un-friend him. A million things were going through my mind, why all of a sudden, out of the blue, did he unblock me? What is going on? I jump on Gtalk, go to my settings and unblock him from Gtalk. He pops up, he has unblocked me there. What is going on?
So, I say, “Hi.” He replies, “Hey there.” Interesting, my heart was beating so fast, my fingers shaking. I ask him what’s up, not mentioning the unblock, just what’s new. I was never ready for his reply.
“I am starting a new job and my girlfriend and I are preparing to move in together.”
I freaked out, I did not know what to do. I impulsively right clicked and blocked.
I sat there, stunned. Tears started to roll down my cheeks, softly. The more it sank in, the more the tears came until I was fully hysterical. I was falling into pieces.
I can hypothesize all day long as to why he would feel the need to tell me this, but what good will that do? My heart is still so broken and the wound is so raw. The amount of pain I felt when I read that line was more than I ever thought possible.
Last night I went to my good friend’s house for dinner and spent the night there. It was nice to not be alone and just have a friend with me. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and with a better outlook. I know I will be OK in the long run.
But you know what is so funny… You know how I know that I love him so much? I wish the best for him. I hope he is happy, is sleeping well and he is achieving all the goals he had set for himself.
This sounds so silly, but I have had a connection with missing him for the past year. It comforts me in some weird, fucked up way. It is time to move on and forget one of the most important people in my life. The saddest part for me… It is finally time to say goodbye.
Change is always hard but as I look forward, with my eyes wide open, I cannot help smile as I think about what is out there waiting for me.
Patrick and I were just once upon a time…
I mentioned that vacation boyfriend, Tom, actually saw me the night before he met me in the lobby. He heard me laugh, turned around, saw me and knew he was into me. Then he heard me say something about living in Chicago and he said right then he knew he had to find me. I called his bullshit but then he showed me a text on his phone to his friend that read something to the effect of… If you see that brunette from Chicago at the bar, text me and I’ll come down. Weird that he just knew, right?
I hung out with vacation boyfriend for the next three nights. We did not sleep in a room together again. Here is my reasoning, I like this boy. I am fully aware that we are in paradise, on vacation and this is NOT real life… but he is moving to Chicago so there is a potential for something to possibly flourish later this summer.
After I got home, he called me one day and asked if I could come back out to the island. I had told him there was a possibility that my department would be laid off and I would have a lot of free time and I would check. That night he sent me an itinerary with flights asking how these dates looked. I called my boss and asked her if she knew when my last day would be, she told me to take the trip and not to worry. So, I called him back and said book it.
And so, the adventure begins! Here I am writing to you from the flight, somewhere over the ocean. I will see him in 2 hours and my tummy is doing flip flops. I am so excited yet so nervous. I think it is going to be a good week though.
He is very sweet, so thoughtful and just a really nice guy. I do have a hang up though, he has a child. I know, I know… say what you want about me, call me selfish or whatever, but I am 28, childless and not quite sure if that is something I can take on. I told him this outright, too. I mean, I am sure for the right person I could get over the hang up. Luckily, he is recently divorced and the last thing he wants right now is a new relationship.
We both need each other right now, for different reasons. I am the first woman he has really clicked with since his divorce and, for me, well, I need someone who will treat me the way he does. On top of that, I really like him. We seem to have many of the same opinions, like the same things, read the same books, etc.
Side note, while I was writing this the guy in front of me just asked if I would lower my shade, he is a whole row in front of me and the window shade is directly to my right, it’s my shade. I get a bit claustrophobic and really like the natural light, plus I am working and hate nothing more than a dark computer. Who does that? Get a eye mask, I travel with one… it puts me right to sleep on a plane, plus it doubles for bondage.
It has been quite awhile since I have had the chance to sit down at my laptop and write a blog post. It is not that I have not been writing, I have, just not the stuff you want to read… unless you are really into press releases.
If you follow me on Twitter you may remember I was recently in the Carribean. Jane and I were at an event in April and she won a trip for two to St. Thomas. We were ecstatic, I already had accrued vacation time and the rumor around the office was that I had better use it soon, as we were probably all getting canned anyway.
Janey and I flew from Chicago to Miami, then on to the island. We couldn’t wait, 5 days, 4 nights in paradise. We had no plans except relax in the sun, maybe snorkel or take some boat excursion and eat and drink. Perfect vacation.
It was on our second night that I met Tom, but later I would found out that he saw me the first night I was there… I’ll get to that at the end. Jane and I had purchased some rum to drink in our room, but we needed mixers. I went down to the closest restaurant just to purchase a Diet Coke. Tip: Marriott only has Pepsi in their vending machines, but they keep Coke at the bar for rum and diets, I assume.
It was on my elevator ride back up where we first, kind of, met. He was with two of his friends and truthfully, I did not pay much attention to them. My hair was wet, as I was half ready for going out, I was just wearing yoga pants and a tank, nothing special. I was not in meeting boy mode for some reason, which is odd, because… well, you know me. His friend asked me which bar is the best bar to go to, I said we just got here, I did not know yet. Then Tom and one friend got off one a floor below mine, the third friend was staying on my floor. He mentioned it was his birthday, that is why they were celebrating and I should come out. I blew him off.
Fast forward a few hours, Jane and I were sufficiently buzzed and it was time to go out. We went to the concierge and ask him where we should go, what should we do, etc. We wanted to get off the resort and visit a local bar, but one that was still safe for tourists. He directed us to one, and called a cab for us.
Jane and I go to this local bar, it was pretty touristy but still fun. We are drinking, we are talking, flirting, just having a good time. All of a sudden, I see the guy from the elevator who said it was his birthday. So, I gave him a hug, said happy birthday, then asked if he wanted a birthday shot. Then Tom comes up and says he wants in on the shot, too, and that he wants a hug. I was pretty flirty, replied that it was not his birthday, but I would make an exception this time.
We start flirting like crazy, just talking, hanging out and after I mentioned I live in Chicago, he mentions that he is starting a rotation (med student) there in the end of July. Wow, OK. So it gets fuzzy from here. I remember at one point he kissed my cheek, kind of near the corner of my mouth and then I just grabbed his face and kissed him, hard. I was pretty drunk but it was one of those movie-like kisses, the I have to have you, I do not care who is looking type of kisses.
We made out all night. I never make out in the bar. I was pretty drunk and since I have cut down immensely on the alcohol, I get pretty drunk easily. Also, we were holding hands, dancing, just being ridiculous – like you are supposed to be. I was happy; I had found a vacation boyfriend.
Jane was being a good wing woman, too. Oh, did I tell you she has a boyfriend now? Yeah, it is lame. Not the boyfriend part, but the guy. That is for another post. But anyway, I knew she was tired but she was a trooper and closed the bar with me so I could hang out with Tom a bit longer.
We left the bar about 1:30am and the boys walked Jane and me to our room. Birthday boy (I seriously cannot remember his name right now) was trying to get on Jane so hard. I went into the room and told Tom to wait outside for a minute. We must have discussed that I was sleeping in his room, or maybe it was just assumed, who knows?
I wanted to talk to Jane and make sure she was not weird about me sleeping in another guys room. Also, I wanted her to know his room number as a safety precaution, just so she knew where to find me. I also freshened up and grabbed a few condoms to throw in my bag.
I exit my room and there is Tom, but also birthday boy. Birthday boy was smashed and kept asking me to let him in our room so he could get it on with Jane. Wow. Tom was far less drunk and we walked birthday boy to his room to sleep alone.
This is all still hazy, but I know more details after talking to Tom. We went to his room and I immediately said lets wash our hands. Good to know my OCD even kicks in when I am wasted. After that, I pushed him down on the bed. I got on top of him and we were crazy making out again. It was semi-rough but the kisses were still soft. At that moment, it felt as if two people have never had to have one another more.
That went on for a bit. I remember saying, “I am not sleeping with you tonight.” He said, “Good, because I was not planning on sleeping with you either.” I laughed, fully knowing that if I wanted it to happen, it would have. I did follow up with, “But you can still go down on me if you would like.”
Wow, I have such a smart little mouth when I have been drinking, but at least I know what I want, right?
He takes my pants off, but I am fully dressed otherwise. He starts giving me little kisses in between my thighs and then comes back up to my neck and nibbles gently. I remember it being so soft, his nibbles, and they were driving me mad. He then pulled my tank top down a bit and my left breast was revealed. He flicked his tongue across my nipple and it instantly got hard. Then put his lips around it and sucked for a second, finished off with a little bite. I was running my fingers through his hair, he was switching between kissing my neck and then nibbling on my nipple. His fingers found my right nipple and he was pinching it in the same fashion in which he was biting the left.
He lifted up my tank top a bit and gave my belly kisses. When he got to my hip bone I was so ticklish and so turned on at this point. I asked him to feel how wet I was and he complied by moving my panties to the side and inserting a finger. He did not insert all the way, just the tip and then pulled it back out to taste me. That was hot.
He then kept my panties to the side and started my thigh, above my pussy, then eventually his tongue was on my clit. I remember him being very impressed that I was smooth down there. He just kept kissing and licking and mentioning how smooth I was.
Here is where it gets weird. The next thing I remember was waking up to someone walking in the room, it was his other friend. For a moment I forgot I was not in my own room (I did remember I was with the boy, though.) There I find myself, at 4am, wrapped in the boys arms. I was wearing my panties and tank top. He felt me move around and woke up for a moment, too. He asked if I was OK, and he handed me water.
I took a sip and then said, “I feel like I may have fallen asleep when you were going down on me.” He said, “Yes, you most definitely did.” I replied, “Yeah, I’ve been known to do that. Sorry.”
He then hugged me tighter, kissed my ear and said go back to sleep. I did.
I woke up the next morning to the alarm. They were going on a boat that day and had to be up early. He told me to sleep in the room as long as I wanted but asked for my cell phone, so he could call his with my number. Before he left, he gave me a few kisses, two on my forehead, one on my ear, one on my lips. Then he says to me, “I have to see you again.”
Some of you who follow my Twitter stream might know that I was in Nashville for Valentine’s Day weekend. Jane won a package to a hotel somehow, her man was unavailable, so I went with her. It was a nice break away from life, plus I had President’s Day off from work, so I even had an extra day available.
On the way back, we volunteered our tickets twice as the airlines were so overbooked due to the random snow storms in the South and East. We ended up each receiving $600 in free airfare vouchers, score. Those will come in handy, for sure. On top of it, we were put in 1st class on the final flight back to Chicago, though we were not able to sit next to one another. Which was fine with us, as we were crossing fingers for hot, first class men as our seat partners.
Well, I scored (sadly, Jane did not). The man sitting next to me was a bit older than me, good looking, nice teeth, no ring. I instantly started little chit chat conversation, things like where are you from, what do you do, etc. It turns out he does not live in Chicago full time, he actually lives part time in the UK, though he comes to Chicago about once a month. We chatted the whole plane ride, he gave me his card, I wrote him an email a few days later and now we chat almost daily via GChat. Oh and the plane guy… is from the UK originally but his accent is faint.
So, he is in town this week. I am meeting him tonight at his hotel for drinks, then, who knows? We also have plans tomorrow night for dinner and again… we’ll see what happens there. In truth, some of our Gchats & BBM conversations have become somewhat adult oriented and I have a feeling that as long as everything is smooth, I’ll end up staying at a hotel downtown the next few nights.
As for the other man I’ve met recently (two weekends ago, I think?)… The other man I met is also a Brit, weird. Jane & I met him at the gym, he lives in London full time, comes to Chicago for work about every 6-8 weeks. I have not been talking to him as much, but he comes into town the end of March, so we’ll see if that goes anywhere. I have a feeling he is loaded, just a hunch.
What is funny about meeting the two Brits is… about 3 weeks ago I posted on Twitter that I wanted to have sex with a man with a sexy accent. Just another weird example of sometimes getting what you ask.
Also, remember Jayson? He is coming to down next Wednesday and Thursday… And I need to tell the story of Big Penis guy from last week. This new job is kind of taking up a lot of my time, but I promise to start posting some of the last few weeks ASAP.
I am, of course, behind on writing the blog. I promise to play catch up a bit but wanted to do a quick post, as something weird is happening tonight.
I know I have posted a million times how this big city we call home, is really a small city of social circles.
So, I am kind of dating Daniel now. I know I have neglected to update the blog, but we have been hanging out a few nights a week. He is really good to me and I am pretty OK with it for now. I mentioned in the past how Daniel is friends with “D.” They met after D and I dated, or whatever you wanted to call it, so Daniel does not really know that we dated, though Daniel does know that D and I are friends.
Well, tonight, a few of Daniel’s friends are going to see this band, I did not even think to ask which friends. The D wrote me an email asking if I am cool with him showing up tonight, too, with his girlfriend. Obviously Daniel invited him. I replied it might be a little weird, but it is bound to happen sooner or later and tonight might be a good night for it, as we will all be distracted by the show.
D did say that he thought it was best never to mention to Daniel that we have any sort of romantic past. I agreed and kind of breathed a sigh of relief. It is still probably going to be a bit awkward but I will just drink some beer and hope everyone else does, too.