This post isn’t a good idea. I’ve been drinking, quite a bit. I probably won’t proofread this and who knows what I will not really mean to say. But, it is real.
I haven’t been posting lately, mostly because I have not even been home. It seems like my life is just moving so fast and I have had very little time to myself. I need my alone time, hell I thrive on my alone time. I should try to make more for myself. Yeah, I should do that.
Tonight I was out with friends. All new friends, good friends… by new friends I mean people I have met since Patrick and I split. Yes, my ex’s name is Patrick, I do not think I’ve ever wrote that before. I feel I try to dehumanize him by calling him the ex. Somehow that makes me feel better.
We were sitting and talking and my friend Charles (who is very gay) started talking about his new boyfriend. Every adjective he used to describe his boyfriend was exactly how I felt about Patrick from the moment I met him. It triggered something in me.
I miss him so much. I’ve done everything I can to put him out of my mind. I have new friends, I’m dating someone new (Daniel), I moved, I live in a new neighborhood, I live with new people, I stopped answering emails from his mom asking me to meet her for lunch, I stopped talking to him (in August!) But what the fuck?
Thoughts of him invade my mind on a daily basis. He is in my dreams maybe 2-3 nights a week? I never speak about him to my friends, I never let anyone know that I am so fucking heartbroken. My friends have absolutely no clue, I mean none. I just made it seem to disappear, by appearance only.
I worry about this a lot, and I feel… well, insane. I feel like it’s been so long and not only should I be over it, I should be fully moved on. I sometimes feel weak because I cannot get over this. Then in the same moment I get this stupid idea that maybe I am not over him because we should be together, or some stupid bullshit. If that were true, he’d call, he’d write, he’d email. Something.
This has never happened to me before, so I am not sure how to deal with it. And the truth is, I know he will not contact me. Between calls and emails, he contacted me six times and I ignored every single one of them. I couldn’t deal with it at the time, I was too sad from life events (death in my family) and couldn’t handle him on top of it.
I’ve thought about emailing him, or calling him, just to say hi. But the truth is I am a fucking pussy that is too afraid of getting rejected by him again.
My friend told me the first hurt was the easiest. I did not get it at first, but I now understand that more than I should.
Sorry this is all over the place. It’s random drunken thoughts. I’ll be fine tomorrow, upon waking up. Although, I am sometimes still in disbelief that he is not laying next to me when I wake up.
Oh is this weird. After we broke up and I moved to my new place, I could not sleep in the bed we used to share? For two months I slept on the couch because I hated laying in my bed without him. I do not really remember what got me to sleep in my own bed, but I think it was because my friend crashed on my couch after a binge night out.