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Over the last few days, my emotional strength has been tested.

For those who have followed me for awhile, you may remember that my cousin was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor late last year.  Unfortunately, he lost his battle and passed away yesterday.  Even though we have known this was an inevitable outcome, no one wanted to believe it.  As you might imagine, it is a very difficult time for my family right now.  In fact, I am not even ready to talk about it yet.

Because of that happening, I feel selfish being upset about the second thing testing my strength.  Also, I feel like I cannot talk to my family (aka, my support group) about it because they will think I am being inconsiderate for having my own issues.  In reality, that is probably not true, but I really feel like it is inappropriate.  So, I turn to my blog audience to listen.

Patrick had blocked me on Facebook (and every other site ever possible) about 5 minutes after we broke up.  He said it was for the best and it was the only way we could get distance, in order to gain a clear head.  Maybe it was for the best, but in truth I am not really the psycho type.  He knew that.  I did not even call him after we parted, let alone would I post things on Facebook, etc.  But maybe he was right, who knows?

It turns out, he met someone about 2-3 weeks after we broke up.  I do not keep tabs on him but I know he cannot be alone, plus we have mutual friends who feel the need to tell me information on him, so I know they are still together.  I seriously wonder how he was single for a whole 21 days at most before jumping into a new relationship.  Hell, I probably still had stuff at “our” place, my hairs on the floor, bobby pins still in the bathroom.  I wonder if he ever called her my name out of habit?

Anyway, when I logged into Facebook yesterday (which I do not do very often) I noticed a status update from Patrick.  What?  I froze.  I immediately pressed Hide, as I did not even want to go to his page to un-friend him.  A million things were going through my mind, why all of a sudden, out of the blue, did he unblock me?  What is going on?  I jump on Gtalk, go to my settings and unblock him from Gtalk.  He pops up, he has unblocked me there.  What is going on?

So, I say, “Hi.”  He replies, “Hey there.”  Interesting, my heart was beating so fast, my fingers shaking.  I ask him what’s up, not mentioning the unblock, just what’s new.  I was never ready for his reply.

“I am starting a new job and my girlfriend and I are preparing to move in together.”

I freaked out, I did not know what to do.  I impulsively right clicked and blocked.

I sat there, stunned.  Tears started to roll down my cheeks, softly.  The more it sank in, the more the tears came until I was fully hysterical.  I was falling into pieces.

I can hypothesize all day long as to why he would feel the need to tell me this, but what good will that do?  My heart is still so broken and the wound is so raw.  The amount of pain I felt when I read that line was more than I ever thought possible.

Last night I went to my good friend’s house for dinner and spent the night there.  It was nice to not be alone and just have a friend with me.  I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and with a better outlook.  I know I will be OK in the long run.

But you know what is so funny… You know how I know that I love him so much?  I wish the best for him.  I hope he is happy, is sleeping well and he is achieving all the goals he had set for himself.

This sounds so silly, but I have had a connection with missing him for the past year.  It comforts me in some weird, fucked up way.  It is time to move on and forget one of the most important people in my life.  The saddest part for me… It is finally time to say goodbye.

Change is always hard but as I look forward, with my eyes wide open, I cannot help smile as I think about what is out there waiting for me.

Patrick and I were just once upon a time…

2 Responses to “Strength”

  1. Mark says:

    Sorry to hear about your cousin. That’s difficult. Condolences.

    As for your ex, I’ve been in that boat, too. It’s really hard to do, but it’s probably best to completely hide him and not cyberstalk him even in any innocuous, just curious kinds of ways.

    Moving on and ending any kind of contact is hard, but it’s usually for the best. Good luck. Love the blog!

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